As we are just days away from Father's Day, another first is being checked off the list.
It's funny, but not really. Sometimes I feel like I'm checking things off a grocery list.
First birthday. First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First Valentine's Day. First wedding anniversary. First Easter. Now Father's Day.
But this isn't a list for me to check off.
This is my life now.
I want to laugh, cry, scream, and sometimes just fall to my knees because I don't understand.
And maybe I'm not supposed to.
Losing my own dad just 20 months before losing my wonderful husband—the father of our boys—makes this Father's Day especially hard.
Recently, I ran across a graphic that said:
"One of the cruelest parts of grief is losing the very person who would have helped you survive this kind of pain."
Those words stopped me in my tracks.
Because for me, that's both of them.
My dad and my husband.
The two men who were my rocks, my protectors, my sounding boards, my safety net.
The men I would have called when life got hard.
The men who would have reminded me everything was going to be okay.
And now they are both gone.
Father's Day is meant to honor and celebrate the wonderful men in our lives.
This year, I honor two incredible men from this side of Heaven.
I am learning that grief doesn't go away.
It changes.
Some days are harder than others, but it never completely leaves.
I have a digital picture frame in my living room that plays years of memories. Sometimes I find myself sitting there, watching picture after picture scroll by.
Family gatherings.
Holidays.
Ordinary days that didn't seem important at the time.
And I wonder...
Where did the time go?
The older I get, the more I realize that life is made up of those ordinary moments.
The conversations.
The laughter.
The traditions.
The people we love.
And while grief reminds me of what I've lost, gratitude reminds me of what I had.
Eleven months later, I still miss Ricky every day.
I still miss my dad.
And I still wish I could pick up the phone and hear their voices one more time.
But God.
God continues to carry me through every hard day, every holiday, every milestone, and every first.
So today, I share this to mark my journey.
Not because I have all the answers.
Not because the grief is gone.
But because God's faithfulness has never left me.
Not for one of these 335 days.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." — Psalm 34:18
